My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Is it because I queefed?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
