i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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