o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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