I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
