apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
