dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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