Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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