my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
