I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
