So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
