Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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