I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
