My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
