I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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