I heard we made out
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
