I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
