I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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