OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
