Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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