I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
