I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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