I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
