you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
