Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
a search helicopter?!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
