I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
