theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
