i may or may not be watching the land before time
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
