I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
