I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
