My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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