Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
People in love make me want to vomit
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
