She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
