and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
