does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
