Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
