I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Randomize