i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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