Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
