your parents love me but you hate me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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