Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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