Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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