Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
