Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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