chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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