Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
