just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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