I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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