Where is the hickey?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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