He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
