I met the friendliest cop last night
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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