i just sent this text using only my big toe
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
