you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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