when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
