The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize