Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
