i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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