the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
