the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
